Sunday, September 03, 2006

BROWN MUGGED BY BLAIR!

I’ve heard of a Mug Shot, but this is ridiculous.

The image of Our Glorious Leader’s (OGL) left hand just “happening” to hold a cup which just “happened” to show, in letters which just “happened” to be readable by the Press Corp’s lenses, and which just “happened” to have, in capital letters, the name ANTHONY and an astrological description of that name underneath it, is, for all the wrong reasons, quite unforgettable.

As an attempt to ruin the enjoyment of your last Thursday morning’s Wheetiebangs, it was the greatest front page cover picture since, well, the last time he tried to do something just as crass. What is it about the man? He’s supposed to be the elected leader of the fourth largest economy on earth (that is unless Google has just relegated us to fifth place) and he turns up to a Press conference playing to a script straight out of Morecombe and Wise.

Just in case you haven’t read the words on THAT cup, they say –

“ANTHONY" –

Your refined inner voice drives your thoughts and your deeds.
You’re a man who’s in charge, others follow your lead.
You possess great depth and have a passionate mind.
Others think you’re influential, ethical and kind.

And just when you thought the pain was over, you turn the mug round (the ceramic one, that is) and the cup holder’s personality is further examined.

He is, apparently, “Humble and Private, you view the world through a dreamy and reflective lens.”

The name Anthony’s meaning is “Priceless One”, his Lucky Number is 7, his “Colour” is Yellow (!), his “Animal” is, and Ah! now we’re getting somewhere, a Marabou (apparently an African Stork often seen hanging around rubbish dumps), and finally, and we know we’re onto something here now, his “Lucky Plant” is Garlic. Just as I thought.

Having got past the beauty of this exquisite little vignette, the smile fades from your face when you realise that all this is not some ghastly error, but a carefully planned piece of New Labour Spin Doctoring. This has been carefully researched, planned, reviewed, tested against Focus Groups to see if it plays well among the masses, and released on a day when he had a strange non-message to give that he would prefer to be smeared over by the Media with something else, to the point of invisibility. And didn’t he do well.

You can see, in your head, the planning that will have gone into this. There will have been someone in Downing Street tasked to look specifically into this. His Acronym, for they live there by acronyms, will be SAICOMS (Special Assistant In Charge Of Mug Selection). SAICOMS will have researched the past, and Yes, there is a past. Newspapers report a past sighting of a mug in 2000 announcing, not quite subliminally, that “THE WORK GOES ON” and that “BIG ISSUES NEED A BIG CONVERSATION”.

He will then have looked at other mugs available, and soon found one for DPM which announces that JOHN has

“ ….a wide circle of devoted and caring friends,
Compassionate and kind, a helping hand you always lend,
A successful man by nature, you succeed at what you do,
Your mind is nimble and alert, to your instincts you are true.

Well, that’s another real plus for Tone. Our intrepid researcher will also have found that these mugs are available for £4.99 each, which means that the planned marketing wheeze would not need another Millionaire “loan” to be arranged.

The final point, which will have immediately clinched the idea in OGL’s mind is that when he asked what the Chancellor’s Mug said, SAICOMS reply, and this will have been spoken with total and absolute gloating pleasure, would have been that the Retailer did not bother with GORDON Mugs because the name was not popular enough.

Result of Meeting - ACTION THIS DAY!

2 comments:

Chris Linfoot said...

Most amusing. There may be just one tiny flaw in this argument, though...

I don't know if you've ever seen a marabou stork close up, but they are ugly. Very ugly.

rogerc said...

That's not a flaw - it's another string to the argument's bow. I'll use it!