PICK OF THE WEEK

Note - this piece contains graphic non-visual images, which some people might hopefully find offensive.

One of the highlights of the working day is my journey to work, which uses the busiest section of road in Europe, the M6 around Birmingham. You may not be aware, but very occasionally there is so much traffic on it that a jam which comes to a complete halt, can occur. It was thus, this morning.

Rather than read my customary book, or finish the ironing, while stationary, I spent my time in the jam looking at what could well be called, I suppose, my fellow Human Beings. At just before 7 o’clock in the morning, you would struggle to describe some of them as “a pretty sight”.

Today, I seemed to have landed unintentionally in the centre of a Battalion of members of the Worshipful Company of Nasal Mining Engineers - West Midlands Branch apparently nicknamed The BogeyMen.

Whilst one’s mind is not at its most agile at that time in the morning, some urgent questions immediately arose.

- Why does this activity seem to be exclusively a Male phenomenon?

- Whilst I am totally against unnecessary Government legislation, should there not be an Emergency Bill laid before Parliament, which makes the installation of Dark Privacy Glass on all cars used by Company Representatives, compulsory?

- Where did Men practice this activity before the invention of the Motor Car, and what about Men who do not drive?

- Is there a covert section of the Worshipful Company, comprised exclusively of Women, presumably, in the interests of Political Correctness, called “The BogeyWomen”. If so, where, and when, do they practice their art?

- Alternatively, is the overall name for both branches of the Organisation a composite one - “The BogeyPeople”?

- One then notices, with gruesome fascination, that the process tended to consist of a First Phase of Right Hand, Right Nostril transferring, after presumably a standard “Seek and Destroy” time, to a Second Phase Right Hand/Left Nostril, followed by Phase Three which was a “Sweeping Up” operation with a free flow variable time, operator driven strategy, followed finally by Phase Four, where the finished results were stored for safekeeping. I did notice a couple of matched Right Hand/Right Nostril, Left Hand/Left Nostril exponents, but these were definitely in the minority, and seemed to occur in cars with Irish Number plates. Perhaps there are varying National Training Standards. If that is the case, when are the EU bureaucrats in Brussels going to issue a Europe wide Directive on Nasal Mining Harmony? Who nose?

My sample was quite large (actually I’ve just realised that can be read two ways), but I don’t recall seeing any totally Left handed exponents, which is odd, given that 10% of the population is Cack-handed. Is this down to rigid Training methods during our youth eradicating any variations, or is it a natural occurrence?

Too many questions.

I feel a Research programme coming on. Anyone got a University Grant?